What gives?

I have HAD IT. Pausing to stuff five more kisses with almonds into my mouth.

Yesterday I drove for 40 minutes through the ice and snow, conditions I really shouldn't have been driving in to get my hair cut.  (The salon is only 20 minutes away, but with the weather, it took me forty. I don't drive forty minutes to go anywhere.)

I have been planning and plotting and dreaming and outright reveling in how good this hair appointment would make me feel. I'm pregnant. 21 weeks. I'm getting what I would consider big. My face feels puffy. My hair feels humongus in a very bad eighties sort of way. A little highlight, a stylish cut (nothing too crazy) and an eyebrow wax during an afternoon off? How glorious! How (since we are doing all eighties around here) AWESOME it was going to be. I wore my cute maternity jeans so I could get the full effect. Well, they are maternity, so they aren't that cute, but they are dark denim with silver stiching. Cuter than your standard maternity fare.

Here's the before:

 

   

I came armed. Knowing my hair is stubborn and thick and wavy and doesn't like to do anything except just hang there, I did research. I found exactly what I wanted my hair to look like. I couldn't possibly find myself with a layered mess like I've done, oh too many times before if I brought a photo. Right? RIGHT?

Here it is: The one on the right. I could never ever pull off the one on the left. Not without an Amelie face transplant.

So we talked. About a chin length bob with bangs. Well, not exactly bangs since she was honest and said my hair would never do that. Fine. Give it to me straight. I can take it. We talked about a plan around that. She said she would do some texturizing to 'get the bulk out'.

OK, a savvy hair girl probably would have picked up on that immediately and thrown up a red flag. I didn't. I'm a trusting person dumb ass.

She started in the back. In the back, at the bottom. Where I couldn't see her cutting. I knew it was a little short, but assumed the top layers would graduate down. She was making her way up, finally I could see her and watched in slow-mo as she chopped a big old chunk of hair off the top of my head.

I shot her a look. I thought we were going to do a bob? I said picking up the strand that was now inches from the top of my head. This seems pretty short.

Oh. Is what she said.

Then she tried to bullshit me. Your hair is so thick I've got to layer this a little so it doesn't bell out too much, don't worry, it will blend in with the bottom, it will be fine.

It is not fine.

It is a nice haircut.

For someone else.

I'm not posting a picture. I can't even look at it and not cry. Which I know is kind of sad, what with all the real drama in the world, but this is my blog and really bad hair on my head makes me cry. I cried at work about it today to a coworker. (I don't even cry about work at work, and sometimes work is worth crying about.)

Picture a curly cotton ball on top of your head. Sort of like a helmet. That is totally layered and not at all a bob. Which is not what you wanted or SHOWED SOMEONE A PICTURE OF. No photo will be necessary.

I know I am not alone. I know it's just hair, already, get over it.

I'm trying. But this totally blows. It's too short to have her "fix it". There will be nothing left. I wasted an afternoon and a lot of cash. I needed this. Having a baby at 37 does nothing for your self esteem and while I am not so vain that I value my whole worth on my appearance, it could use a little boost right about now.

I'm thinking maybe that Britney shaving her head wasn't so crazy after all.

Comments

[amanda]

oh friend - i soooo hate bad haircuts that lead to tears. been there done that! feel your pain and totally willing to go wig shopping with you :)

[mrs. chicken]

Oh, crap. This is going around, isn't it? You're not alone. And hey, those prenatal vitamins make hair grow fast.

Who am I kidding? It sucks. I get it. I'm sorry.

[Marla]

Been there, bought the round brush and the product.

I'm not a stylist, but I'm helping my friend who owns a salon two Saturdays a month and hey, blogging makes you care about people you don't even know...

Make sure you buy a product that helps your curls; wash, apply, finger-style and go. By "go" I mean - forget about it and let your personality be the first thing people notice. It's hair, it grows, and your life is more than your hair. But seriously - do not pass go and do NOT blow-dry. Put a stocking cap made of old panty hose on it while it dries, and then finger fluff it after. It will save you from mushroom head as it grows out.

(and then she bursts into "Don't CRY OUT LOUD, JUST KEEP IT INSIDE, LEARN HOW TO HIDEYOUR FEEE-LIIIIINGS. FLY HIY-IYGH AND PROOOOOUD...")

I KNOW it hurts. And I'm not Amelie either, which is why I get all tempted to get bangs, and then remember that I'm not a pore-less wonder. But stylists have a responsibility, and sometimes they forget.

So I say, next time you're at the library, go to the magazine section. Collect all the subscription inserts, detach them and fill them out in her name, but be sure to spell it in slightly different ways sometimes. Mail them all in with "bill me later" checked.

(then, don't drink too much wine with dinner and catch up on blogs)

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

Dood, post a picture. let us decide.

Having said that, the pregnancy hormones convinced me to give the go-ahead to my stylist to give me the soccer mom haircut. I wear a hat a lot these days.

[Amanda]

Well that settles it, no hair cut for me until May and this here face bloating baby is out of me.

Are you a cap wearer? Now might be a good time. The Red Sox hats are particularly cute :)

[M&Co.]

Oh man! Bad haircuts are the WORST!

[Candy]

Damn. That sucks. Been there, done that, just like everyone else on the planet, I guess.

It WILL grow. That's the best part about hair. Give it some time.

[Emily]

That really, really sucks.

[Suzanne]

My deepest empathy. I have hair similar to yours, and I have had haircuts like the one you describe. They've made me cry, too. Hang in there till it starts to grow out -- soon it will better.

[Laundry & Children]

I am so with you. My last hair cut is finally starting to grow out. My hair dresser cut it way way way too short and I literally had pieces sticking straight out of the top of my head. Just thinking about how you must be feeling is making me upset. I am so sorry.

[Jessa]

I'm sorry you got a bad haircut. Sounds like A. the stylist had no idea how to deal with curly hair, B. she had no clue what you wanted and C. she didn't care. Having gone to school for the very same I don't see how she could have messed up a bob with an extremely short and layered cut. The bangs probably would have been better! I hope it grows out quickly!

[Kimberly]

You are definitely NOT alone. BTDT. I had my own bad experience in August and it sucks. (http://gavmenagerie.blogspot.com/2007/08/alright-so-heres-story-to-which-every.html).

The good news (duh) is that it does grow and especially being preggo it should come in even faster, but I know that doesn't help RIGHT NOW. Hair is such a big part of our self-esteem, I really feel for you.

[Binky]

Ugh. That sucks. May you find a happy medium somewhere in the grow-out phase.

[shannanb aka Mommy Bits]

Bummer. I know it sucks. In college my friend, who was in hair school, decided to practice a new technique on me. I'd simply asked for a "trim." The results were AWFUL and I cried and I punched him.

Eventually it grew out and we were friends again.

[Gray Matter]

You know how sometimes you bring pictures to your stylist to show them what you want. After a bad haircut ( a rarity in our longstanding relationship) I brought him pictures of what I DIDN'T want. They were pictures of Mary Lou Retton and a 1960's housewife. We've been cool since then.