Suffocating

I don't just mean it's hard to breathe, although it is. I'm a few weeks shy of my third trimester and although I don't look like this (seriously, either she's lying or I'm a beached whale. I'm going with the first one) I seem to have exploded over night. For real. I'm getting stretch marks and all and I am not happy about it. It seems that being pregnant over the winter (during an extremely particularly harsh winter at that) will test even the most exfoliated, moisturized and pampered skin. I'm huffing and puffing and getting winded trying to carry the laundry up from the basement and finding it hard to carry on a conversation without occasionally (gasp) pausing (gasp) illogically between words. Yes, I know. I have many weeks and conversations to go.

But that's not the hard part. As my belly is expanding so to is the awareness of my little man. Even though we don't make a big deal about a new baby coming and actually haven't mentioned it in weeks since every time I did it was greeted with a quite definite "I don't WANT to be a big brother", he seems to be almost intuitively picking up on the fact that things are about to change. As such, he seems to be literally wrapped around my body 24 hours a day.

That last bit about the 24 hours is not an exaggeration. Days are filled with him wrestling himself as close to my person as he can get. We don't sit next to each other, he sits on top of me. He clings to my legs when I make dinner. He will try and prevent me from doing things like answer the phone or check the computer- anything that diverts my attention. Nighttime is no different. Sleep has become pretty non-existent in my house. I'd like to blame it on potty training, since I'm woken nightly in the wee hours of the night to the call of MAMA. I've got to PEE, but I don't think it's that easy. It's after all that's been taken care of that is the challenging part. That's when he clings to me, pleading with me to lay with him, crying, wailing, carrying on. I agree, out of exhaustion and he settles in; an arm across my neck, a leg strewn over mine, his head on my shoulder. It's the only way he will relax. He' s showing such an increased need for independence in his daily tasks, but along with it comes this desire to have me closer, always closer.

This pregnancy is going faster than I ever imagined it would and I have to block out thoughts of how this was our last Christmas as a three-person family. His last birthday all to himself. How I won't possibly be able to be all things to him when he comes home from school like I can today. It makes me too sad. But at the same time I'm feeling smothered. Smothered with love, yes, and if one is going to be smothered, I'll take love over black olives any day, but I'm feeling like I can't breathe. I can't drink him in. I'm feeling the urge to pull away. For both of us. Because I'm feeling overwhelmed but also because I don't want this change to be harder on him than I fear it already will.

I remind myself this will likely go the way of the Hot Wheels tee shirt he insisted upon wearing every day for a month. He doesn't commit to many things, but the ones that he does, he holds on so tightly. Then one day they disappear, replaced by a new passion.

I know this time will end, I just hope it does before mine does. 

 

Comments

[amanda]

Mmm, funny how intuitive they are. I will never forget the moment I saw Briar and Avery interacting, really interacting, and I realized that she would never be alone. It has been dicey at times, but the gift of a sibling is truly precious. Good luck!

[amanda]

i truly can't imagine - although i am sure one day i will be reaching out for your words of wisdom...

sending you extra oxygen and hugs!

[Emily]

The first six months is rough because you feel like you lose touch with your first-born. But it comes back, a balanced and beautiful relationship.

The Berenstain Bears have a lovely book about expecting a sibling.

[nonlineargirl]

I imagine the resistance to sharing you will last for some time, but it will be eaten at by a growing love for the new baby. Especially when he figures out that a younger sibling is often a big brother's biggest fan.

[Kimberly]

I remember having all the same thoughts when I was pregnant with my 2nd (and my first grew incredibly clingy toward the end too). The first few weeks were very hard, I will admit, but they adjust. They learn to roll with it and in all honesty that's a good thing. It's important to learn to wait and take turns.

Now when I see my girls together, I cannot imagine having only one. Aside from me and my husband, they love each other more than I ever imagined. They play together, laugh together and have made our family even stronger. You'll see - it will all be just fine.

[Bon]

the honesty of this really struck me.

[Jenn]

Oh, oh, oh. This was lovely and hard and true.