You choose

My neighbor, lets call her Susie, is really sweet. She's two houses down and a stay at home mom to a little boy only a couple of weeks younger than my own. Despite our close proximity, we don't see each other all that much because of different schedules. On the weekends I tend not to socialize or do playgroups because that's our time together as a family. My son stays up late, hers goes to bed early.

I like her, I really do and I can't figure out if it's her or if it's me. Which one of us is the competi-mommy.

The last four houses on my block, including hers and mine, are the same blueprint with minor cosmetic differences. I had orange Halloween lights. She had orange Halloween lights in almost the same location AND a big ghost. I felt outdone. Same goes for pumpkins, Christmas lights, etc. We don't really compare our children, but our lives. I always notice how thin she is and I always see her husband coming home from work (because he takes the bus and walks past our house) and I imagine how happy she must be, because he must really love her to leave her the car and ride the public transportation each day. Right?

On August 31, the day I blogged about having a very early miscarriage, I was outside when she and her son walked by. We chatted like we usually do and she noticed my puffy eyes- are you OK? She asked, sincerely. She got the abridged version: I thought I was pregnant but I'm not, I had a rough morning and even though I had no desire to, I teared up again. She was very kind, made some mention of doing some charting and was on her way.

We've waved from our houses and passed each other once or twice on the street since then. I saw her walking with her family the other day and I just knew it. I knew she was pregnant. She was moving differently, maybe her ultra thin frame had softened around the jawline, I'm not sure, but I knew. When I saw her at trick or treat I scanned her up and down: She had an empire waist sweater on but there was no obvious bump. I don't even know why I cared other than maybe if I noticed before she took me by surprise, that would lessen the sting just a little.

Over her fence last night she told me, by the way, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm pregnant again. Congratulations! That's great. (Just great, I thought glumly). How far along are you? Just out of her first trimester. Fantastic. I'm happy for you. I am, actually, I am happy for her. Only still a little sad. Maybe  not even sad, just envious.

I couldn't stop thinking about it last night. Just out of her first trimester- counting backwards: Mid November to Mid-October, Mid October to Mid September, plus a couple weeks. Huh. The last week in August.

Now I'm not completely nuts, I don't think this woman is making life choices based upon what I do (or don't do, as the case may be) but she said something as we parted yesterday about how she hoped I would 'crank another one out so our kids would be in the same grade together'. It was probably off the cuff, but was it? It struck me as an odd thing to say.

I feel like she has something up on me. I hate it that I do. I want to shine the joy she radiated from her smile when she told me right back at her, but my smile was forced. There we go- look surprised and delighted- make sure your eyes don't give it away. It should have been me, I think as I walk away, scolding myself for even letting those thoughts in.

She has the thing that I wanted. Not only does she have it, but it seems like she decided at the same time that I told her about my loss that she was ready and BANG she's pregnant. Just like fucking that. Maybe they had been trying for months, but I doubt it. She is a mommies-mommy, ready to swap breastfeeding and labor stories at the drop of a hat. If they had been trying and unsuccesful up to that point I don't think she woud have hesitated for a second to share it.

So which one of us has the bigger brand of crazy? I don't know.

Comments

[Amanda]

Oh, you. This is awful. I am so sorry. I have struggled with issues in my own neighborhood, not related to pregnancy, but certainly to unspoken one-up(wo)manship. There is an edge, an unspoken something, that is just faint enough that you think you are crazy. I suspect her ocmment was just stupid, but then, we're old enough to know better than to be stupid, aren't we? So sorry.

[nonlineargirl]

I hate her for you. Because you might feel like you can't hate her. That you should be happy for her, that there is no connection between her being pregnant and your loss. But since I don't know her and never will, I hate her for you. And I am sorry that she is there to remind you of what you want that she has (both the things she really has and those that you might imagine she's got.)

I imagine the thing about you getting pregnant soon was her (lame) attempt to reach out, to say "I hope it works out for you soon". As awkward as it came out, I imagine it came from a good place. But I still hate her for you.

[Midwest Mommy]

Wow, I came here from the Moosh and your two blogs today were great.
I worked with a woman who the moment I said I was going to start trying she all of a sudden said she was going to start trying to get pregnant too (Up until that point she had never even given it that much thought because the timing was wrong). I was the one who got pregnant right away and she hated me for it. It took her many months before she was able to get pregnant but the way she treated me ruined our friendship. I wasn't trying to be competitive it was the right time for my husband and I. I was excited that we might be pregnant together. But she never saw it that way. She would tell me I was fat and gaining unnecessary weight. Just plain mean.
Keep your head up and be the better person. Usually when things appear perfect on the outside there is trouble somewhere inside.

[Michele]

I doubt even her perfect ovaries could have squeezed out just the right egg at just the right moment to one-up you in late August, but I totally understand the feeling. Trying to get pregnant brings smiling, happy, pregnant OTHER people out of the woodwork.
I had a "friend" like this once. My sisters referred to her as my "Single, White, Female". She even bought the same car I did. It was OK when she was copying me, because then at least it was like I was "winning", but now she is living the life of a wealthy SAHM with a mansion and a Dr. Husband. And she runs marathons (%$$^&*!!!) So I think right now she is definietly leaving my sorry ass in the dust.

[Bon]

well, since your personal brand of crazy is so familiar, i'm going to say that her Stepford-ness is clearly the problem. but only because, well, my heart is in the throes of that same song.

you wrote this beautifully, you know?

[Kelly]

I'm not a fan of how she told you. If she had known you were struggling, and had seen you in a vulnerable moment, I'd think she'd have found a better way.

Hugs to you.

[Dawn]

Sigh, our hearts hurt so easily where this is concerned.

[susiej]

Ouch. I'd hate to live so close to someone like that. But it is weird that you have Parallel" lives. But, no matter how things look on the "outside" you never really know what's going on on the inside. We all have our burdens -- some just hide it better.

Sorry about your loss... But, hang in there.

[FENICLE]

Ouch! What's with the one-upper neighbor?? I can't stand people like that. Especially when they have a freakin story for everything.

[mothergoosemouse]

Good intentions or not, that was a really insensitive thing for her to say. But it sounds like her insecurities are at work here.

[Jenifer]

You poor porr thing... I had a miscarriage between my daughter and son and I have a friend that became pregnant the month after I had the miscarriage. There was never any mention of them trying either. She said it was an accident, but knowing this "friend" as I do I can't help but think she did it on purpose after she had found out my news.

Funny thing is, I ended up pregnant the month after the miscarriage also and our sons were born on the same day......

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

That sounds all around hard.

[Melinda]

I think your previous commentors really say it all but I wanted you to know this is a pretty common thing I think. I have a neighbor like this and it just seems like the same situation; in the end though, it is really that we are all in the same time of our lives (getting married, new houses, babies, etc) and it is so tough to know the right things to say.