I did not want to go. The sitter had been arranged for weeks and we were way overdue for a date night out of the house without our children but I did not want to go. We got in the car about an hour before our dinner reservation and my husband asked "Should we get a drink somewhere first?" and I said "I don't care".
"You don't care?" he asked flatly.
I repeated, "I don't care".
Fantastic. Not even out of my neighborhood and already this sucks, I thought.
Nice attitude. I know.
But there were 5 year old poop issues going on all afternoon and whining that was off the charts (his not mine). I could tell he was not himself. I was worried about him. Also the power flickered on and off multiple times while I was getting dressed. You can't leave a babysitter in your house with no power, can you? What if it goes out while the kids are in the bathtub and everyone loses their mind?
I was worried about getting a call sometime between when I ordered my expensive meal and when it was delivered to me. In my mind I had already played out my apologetic explanation to the server and pictured carrying home my expensive meal in a Styrofoam box.
I asked myself why this was so hard for me. I feel much more guilt leaving them with a trusted and capable babysitter and when I leave them in the care of others. After I drop them off at school I drive off to work and don't think twice about it. It's different when I leave them at home. Home is where we are. Where we do our thing.
One vodka seltzer later I felt my shoulders sink back down from where they had taken up residence next to my ears. After the pomegranate martini and adult conversation with good friends I could actually laugh. After the salmon with brown sugar and plantains was delivered and devoured (and sooooo good) I kicked back in my chair a bit.
The phone never rang. The text of doom never appeared. When we got home way past my bedtime we found out that there were some problems with the 5 year old but the babysitter handled them like the pro that she is and was completely cool with it. (I tipped her extra for that.)
Everything was fine. Everything is fine.
I adored my children yesterday. All day. I rocked the baby when I put him down for his nap and I tickled the five year old and made him a smoothie just because. We went to the park and ate hamburgers and talked about star wars.
And everything is fine.