What I want to know is would June yell at her kids?
Whether or not June Cleaver was ever broadcast across America shouting at the Beav is doubtful (It wasn't until I started writing this that it occurred to me, but is it just me or did anyone else think Mr. Cleaver was kind of hot way back in the day?) but hear me yell HOORAY for Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box. She poses the question "What if your son has never heard a hard word in your home. When your child goes to kindergarten and the teacher has PMS, do you want him to feel like his teacher hates him because she's the first person who ever yelled at him?" WHOOPEE. Not only do I read this and know it's alright to cut myself some slack for not being perfect but I actually get to pat myself on the back, knowing I have prepared my child for a kindergarten teacher with PMS. If that is not love, I don't know what is.
Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist who specializes in the issues of women and mothers today. She is a nationally recognized expert on postpartum depression and anxiety. (I want her to come to dinner at my house. I want her to teach me everything she knows and what's even better is that I know she will understand if there is smeared peanut butter on the Dora place mats.) The author is a mother of two nearly grown daughters and has survived the endless push to perfection in parenting.
The message in Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box is how to cut yourself some slack and still raise great kids in the age of extreme parenting. How do you do this? Dunnwold breaks it down in three sections:
Part One= The problem. Every mother knows the problem; Everyone including yourself expects your child to be perfect. Smart, funny, crawling by 10 months, walking by 12, eating vegetables and smiling all the while, except for maybe the occasional jaunt to the pizza joint, where they might not be eating vegetables, but it's alright because they are well behaved and clean and obedient the entire time. You are a mother. It's your job to make that happen and when it doesn't, because it's impossible, you blame yourself, your choices or your discipline style, not even stopping for a second to get perspective because you can see very clearly there is a mother a booth away who looks like she's got it all under control while you are excusing yourself for crawling under her table to get the car your toddler just threw angrily across the restaurant.
So we know this drill, well. This book offers more than an explanation of what mothers live every day. It offers Perfectly Good Mantras such as "There is nothing the matter with me". That's a very powerful statement when you think there is something definitely wrong with your child and it's all your fault. It gives readers the opportunity to fill in the blanks to statements like "Moms should.." to help you recognize where you might have expectations that are a teensy bit out of whack. It includes snippets of other authors works that echo the same sentiments. See? You are really not alone in this.
Part Two = The solution: How to create your own version of a perfectly good mother. This book doesn't tell you how to be one. It reminds you that you are unique and you bring something special to your children's lives. It supports the idea that you have a choice. (I do?) I have to let my son pick his tee shirt every morning or we are going to have a terrible start to the day. Why don't I give myself the chance to the same? I can choose to go for a run knowing that my little man will cry for ten minutes after I leave; What I often overlook is that he'll be fine for the other thirty, which is three times longer than he will cry. To take that time to clear my head is a choice and as a bonus, it's also one that helps keep the problem of part one in check.
Part Three = Sharing the solution: Mommy Wars = Bad. Honesty = Good. It's an easy concept but one even the Today Show can't seem to hold onto for longer than a commercial break. We expect our partners to be truthful with us, our friends, our siblings. Why is it so hard for mothers to be honest with other mothers? (PS- I love it that she uses the word "truthiness.") Dunnwold acknowledges that letting go of the concern about what others think is essential in changing the status quo of parenting being all butterflies and rainbows. That's a tough one. I think (and don't judge me for saying this- that's in the book too) that women care too much what other people think about everything. Before I had a child I cared what other people thought of the jeans I had on. Now that I have a son, a beautiful boy, he's the most important thing ever. Cool jeans are a distant memory but that want for approval and for social acceptance has transfered from the superficial to the real, accordingly, growing bigger and more consuming. If someone really asks me about motherhood I will tell it like it is, but I still wonder what they think of me for saying so. I thought telling the truth was enough. It was so eye opening for me to make that connection in reading Dunnewold's book. Honesty goes a long way but affirming that you need no approval but your own and that you know what is best for you and your family can take you the distance.
Of course sharing the solution also involves spreading the word. I plan to share this copy and my recommendation with all my mommy-friends. Do something nice for yourself and pick up one for Mother's Day. Instead of hoping for a card that says you are the BEST MOM EVER, get this book and sleep well knowing you are a perfectly good mom. That would be the best gift of all.
