I'm seriously sleep deprived. Little man has been waking between 2-3 AM each night. Demanding things: WATER. LAY TOGETHER. BLANKET. NO BLANKET. BLAAAANKEEET. I know blah blah, you've heard it all before but I just can't figure this out. He was awake from 3-5:30. Just awake. On the floor with a pillow and a blanket. I can't fall asleep for fear that he will wander around in the darkness of his room and find the one thing that's buried in the back of the closet that I don't know is back there which could cause him serious harm. Because that's the way you think in the middle of the night after being up all night for four nights. And not napping, but getting up with bags under your bloodshot eyes and going to work. Where you have to go the bathroom. A bathroom that you share with a random hundred or so women from the company that you know by face but not by name.
Sometimes one of my favorite parts of the day is spacing out. I will often go to the bathroom, take care of things and then sit for a minute. Sometimes I hold my head in my hands. Sometimes I stare blankly at nothing. Sometimes I pick my cuticles. Other times I ponder what patterns the salt stains on my boots appear to be. Basically, I'm fucking off but really, I don't think that's asking for too much, to be able to fuck off for three to five minutes twice a day. Some people take cigarette breaks. I take space breaks.
Today as I entered the two stall bathroom in my corner of the office there was a woman I recognize washing out a dish in the sink. I proceeded into stall one, making obligatory eye contact and a half smile as I passed her. Maybe I was in super space out mode but I didn't hear anyone in stall two. See survival in an office bathroom dictates that you be aware of people around you at all times. Had I been alert I would have realized sink lady hadn't left, but I was too busy, zoning.
After my relaxing space out episode I walked out to see sink lady leaning against the wall waiting for a stall. Surprised to see her I said- Oh, sorry. Huh? Sorry? Did I just say that out loud? Because in my spaced out head I was thinking, damn, she had to go to the bathroom and I was just sitting there and she must know that because there was no sound. But to say sorry, well that just doesn't make any sense. I hoped maybe she didn't register my stupidity, but out of I'm sure sheer politeness, if not awkwardness she said that's ok.
My brain being mush I blurted out I guess I spaced out in there. Jesus. She doesn't care what I did in there. Get out of the bathroom now! Silence. Good. She thinks I'm talking to someone else, or crazy, which is a better option than socially awkward in my book. Then came, well, it IS Friday.
I'm going to have to avoid that bathroom for awhile.