What gives? It’s neat that in the 2 ¾ years and 9 months that you’ve all been around, the collective 20 of you have done some interesting things. Things like waving bye-bye! And pointing at the cat and saying, “Kitty”! Or picking up Cheerios!
All very exciting things- nonetheless, I feel compelled to tell you that some of your behaviors? are going to need to go “bye-bye” themselves.
First of all, let me address something. Yes, there are twenty of you. But if I discount the one that appears to be in permanent residence in the nose of a certain someone, and the fact that 10 of you have only been around 9 months and function more like lobster claws, I’d say your EFR (Effective Finger Rating) is somewhere around 13, not the actual 20.
And I’m fairly certain that the 20 digits on the parental side of things can outnumber and outmaneuver you. And so what if no one can figure out what the ring fingers are good for? I’m sure I can persuade one of the cats to the Parental side of things to compensate and keep us at a solid EFR of 20.
Back to the point at hand. Or pointer fingers at hand, as it were. The following behaviors are unacceptable and should be ceased immediately:
- Trying to pet the kitty’s internal organs through such tactics as poking, prodding, pushing, pinching and any other actions starting with any letter other than “p” should be stopped.
- Likewise, attempting to see where the kitty’s poop comes from should also stop. While Daddy and I must daily face the emanations from the behinds of four small creatures (two human, two feline) not including ourselves, you do not need to be involved in the process of investigating buttocks until you are wiping the behind of the person you’re attached to after he/she has pooped in the potty. Which, at the current going rate, will be sometime in the year 2016.
- If you are that cold, I will buy you some damn mittens. There is no need to seek warmth inside the nostril of the person you are attached to. Also, although the brain is located up there somewhere, the nostril is not the path to enlightenment. Turn back, lest ye be not wizened.
- Please pass this note on to the fingernails for me: Quit It. Whatever you’re doing – growing at insane rates, scratching, scraping, breaking into sharp corners – just quit it. All of it. Now.
- Pinching? Is only good for Cheerios, pennies, and pimples. Any even then, stick with the Cheerios and pennies.
- Feel free to make use of a water pick to clean between yourselves. I know that teeth get all the glory with all that flossing hype, but finding crusty mashed potatoes three hours later could easily be avoided with either significantly more intensive hand washing, or, and here’s a radical idea, use a fork. Or spoon. I promise not to be terribly picky about whichever one. And if you can’t decide, I’ll find you a spork.
I hope that these terms are satisfactory. In return for your cooperation, I promise to provide more time holding hands, painting, and eventually the introduction of play-doh.
P.S. – If you try to recruit the toes to your side, I’ll know. I have my ways.
Hello! Pam here (aka Zach and Brie's Mom), from A Boy and His Blog! I'm visiting Amy's blog today, so go visit Amy at my pad…which is where you will usually find me! This month we're doing open letters. Click here for the other letters, and if you'd like to participate next month, send an email to email@example.com.