I wrote about my OB, Dr W here. I recently wrote about how she was about to have her second child, her second in 12 months. Something that rattles my brain just thinking about it.
When I told her I admired her stamina, being ready so soon she laughed it off saying if I wasn't going to be 39 when this baby is born.. I really wanted more kids but it was either two back to back or one and we chose two and here I am ..
This is the doctor who comforted me after my first miscarriage. Who eased my fears during my second pregnancy by telling me that there was a 98% chance for a healthy pregnancy after hearing the baby's heartbeat. (A number which became my mantra in those days and nights when every twinge filled me with anxiety. Ninety-eight percent, ninety-eight percent..)
She assured me at my last doctor visit that at 35, I have plenty (and she did stress plenty) of time to have another baby. To not feel like I should rush if I wasn't ready. If she was telling me, of course it must be true. She's an OB - a pregnant, 39 year old OB. She knows what she's talking about.
She lost her second baby at 24 weeks. Pre-term labor. The baby survived for 4 days.
I don't know if she knew it was going to happen or if she had an existing medical condition of some kind that pre-disposed her to this outcome. Maybe she was exhausted from the demands of being a mother and a wife and an OB who worked around the clock on little sleep or sustenance. Maybe it was all too much. Maybe it wasn't and it would have happened anyway even if she were 29 because it wasn't meant to be and you can't reason with your uterus.
This is the part of motherhood; pregnancy and beyond that really scares me. The fact that you can't control any of it. Once the cells start dividing it's out of your hands. That's a hard thing to accept.
I don't know if this means anything other than simply illustrating that life is not fair but it has me wondering - am I doing the wrong thing by waiting? Does waiting put a future pregnancy at greater risk? Her answer the first time I asked that question was no. I wonder what she would say now. I believed her when she told me I had a 98% chance for a successful pregnancy. I felt such relief when she told me I had plenty of time to try again. I have such faith in her, if it were anybody but her I would have thought- you never know- anything could go wrong, but I trusted her. The way she must have trusted her body and it let her down.
How do you weigh the choice when it's all so random? I could have another baby now, my risk for developmental delays or complications is lower than it would be two or three years from now but would it break me? Create an anxious pregnancy? Put further strain on my marriage? Our financials? Take away from the child we already have? If we wait until we can better afford it and I feel ready to do the diapers and the sleepless nights and the pumping am I taking too big of a chance? Creating an anxious pregnancy? Increasing my risk of delays and complications? Would that break me? Put a huge strain on my marriage?
The reality is that if I want to have another baby, I need to be willing to accept what comes. Maybe I'll miscarry again. Maybe I'll have complications. Maybe I will have a child with a developmental delay. The reality is that this is the truth no matter what your doctor tells you. I just wish she didn't have to go through this for me to realize it.